26.7.16

THE SILENT STRUGGLE

Seven months ago, I never thought we would be here.

Although I have been sharing happy moments here these last few months (of course there have been lots of those) there has also been a lot of heartbreak in our house. A desire to understand God's plan for us.

Every fiber of my being aches for another child. A sibling for our son.

For the past seven months Will and I have been trying for our second child. 

It's been the longest and scariest seven months because there is so much we don't know. 

After having my son, infertility is something I never thought we would have to worry about.

This unexplained infertility has kept me up at night.

I've screamed, I've cried- I've prayed for answers. I've felt a pain unlike any other.

At the beginning of each month this vicious cycle repeats itself. I wipe the tears away, take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and say, "this is the month, it'll happen this month."

The days tick by slowly- At this point I know my cycle like the back of my hand. The cramps creep up and then one day-- Mother Nature confirms what we already know- no baby. 

I walk through each day carrying this silent cross. One that isn't talked about. & when it is, it's in hushed voices so you don't draw any attention.

Everyone says "don't worry!!" "Don't think about it!" "& "try not to stress!"

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After months of this back and forth- I finally made an appointment with my doctor.

She sat there and listened to me and never once made me feel ridiculous about coming in. We set up a plan for the next few months.

Without going in to too much detail, I will be starting my first round of Clomid.

I'm nervous, scared, but hopeful. Having never taken this before, I have no idea how my body will react.

I've taken these seven months hard. It's an up and down roller coaster. One I never thought we would be on. 

I've cried at grocery stores, cried when I got in the car, cried passing a double stroller, cried looking at newborn pictures of my toddler. I've cried thinking about my child not having any siblings.  

I share all of this with you not to get sympathy, but in hopes that our story will help someone else share their story. For all of these months I have blamed myself. I've carried this heavy cross all over. Not wanting help from anyone because it's my fault we are in this situation.

I felt as if I was letting my husband down, and my son down. My body has failed them.

I know there are so many families out there carrying this cross and I even know a few personally. 

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We dream of a big family, but mainly to be open to life when God sees fit. 

Let His will be done. 

I was so hurt that even though we are open to life, God wasn't giving us that miracle. 

The children God blesses us with are never our children. We get the honor of raising them here on earth for the Glory of God. The same goes for our life, too. We can plan out what we would like to happen, but God is in charge, always. 

It's been hard to truly let go and know that I'm not in control. Although this is not the plan we had, God's plan is always better. I am constantly reminding myself that through all of this. 

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A few things to wrap this up. 

I know that seven months in the grand scheme of life isn't that long. I know that we are still young & G is still young. But like I said above, it can be difficult to let go of the plan you had and to accept God's plan for you

So, what's the point of me sharing all of this so publicly? 

1.) There are SO many families struggling with infertility and secondary infertility and they shouldn't be struggling alone. If they feel called to share their story, I encourage them to do so when it feels right. 

2.) We have been struggling with this for months now alone. At first, just Will and I. It has really weighed on us because we don't know what the future holds for us or where our family is headed. We need support, we need prayers. 

3.) Lastly, this week is Natural Family Planning awareness week. We do practice NFP in our marriage. It has been such a blessing to us in so many ways. I firmly believe the only way I knew something was wrong and that we needed to seek further help was because we are constantly studying my cycles. NFP keeps us in constant communication and ultimately puts God at the center of our marriage.

Thank for listening to our story

10 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you shared because now I know to pray for you! No matter how many kids you have or how long you've been trying, not getting pregnant when you desperately want to is hard. Our days of infertility gave me such a new perspective and now I am so thankful for having experienced it. This time may not seem fruitful, but trust me, it is. Will pray for you!

    P.S. Clomid kind of made me crazy and I had a friend that said the same, but I've also had many friends who didn't have that problem. Hopefully that's the case for you! But just a heads up.

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    1. Jen- thank you for your prayers and words. I have also heard that about clomid too. Makes me very nervous to be taking it. Did clomid work for you at all?

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    2. I haven't gotten pregnant on Clomid but all of my friends have. I have, however, gotten pregnant twice while taking myoinisitol (not sure if I spelled that right) which helps with PCOS.

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  3. I know just how you feel! Both my babies were conceived on Clomid after many months of crushing disappointment. Will took two rounds, and Z was conceived on the first try. I'll be praying it's a quick remedy for you as well!

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    1. Thank you, Theresa! What was your experience with clomid? Good or bad? obviously it you have two beautiful kids now, but did it make you a little crazy?

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    2. For me, I had bad night sweats pre-ovulation, and then post-ovulation I had crazy PMS symptoms (that I was convinced must be pregnancy symptoms of course!!!). So when we didn't get pregnant that first round I took it so so hard. But obviously the next two tries worked, so no complaints! :) I think the two week wait made me crazier than the drugs. It's all just very nerve wracking as you know. Praying for you!

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  4. Isaac and Ethan are here thanks to clomid. Tried over a year for Isaac and after 7 months of trying for Ethan before taking it. Took 4 months on clomid for isaac and we were on our "last try" with clomid (my OB only let me go through 6 cycles on high dose clomid) to get our precious Ethan. It was incredibly hard time. And then by some miracle--after needing high dose clomid for other 2 and 7 months of chemo which causes infertility Maria was our miracle. Timing was absolutely perfect on each one of them. It's not easy--but Gods plans and timing is always best. Hard to see in the pain of it all--but that's where we have to have faith He's giving us the life He desires for us to have.

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    1. So in total we tried for 16 months for Isaac and 13 for Ethan. Hard time for sure. I get it.

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    2. Hi Jana. Thank you for your comment. Very inspiring to read your journey on becoming a Mom, especially with all you were going through during Ethan's pregnancy. Your example of your faith and determination keep me going.

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