26.7.16

THE SILENT STRUGGLE

Seven months ago, I never thought we would be here.

Although I have been sharing happy moments here these last few months (of course there have been lots of those) there has also been a lot of heartbreak in our house. A desire to understand God's plan for us.

Every fiber of my being aches for another child. A sibling for our son.

For the past seven months Will and I have been trying for our second child. 

It's been the longest and scariest seven months because there is so much we don't know. 

After having my son, infertility is something I never thought we would have to worry about.

This unexplained infertility has kept me up at night.

I've screamed, I've cried- I've prayed for answers. I've felt a pain unlike any other.

At the beginning of each month this vicious cycle repeats itself. I wipe the tears away, take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and say, "this is the month, it'll happen this month."

The days tick by slowly- At this point I know my cycle like the back of my hand. The cramps creep up and then one day-- Mother Nature confirms what we already know- no baby. 

I walk through each day carrying this silent cross. One that isn't talked about. & when it is, it's in hushed voices so you don't draw any attention.

Everyone says "don't worry!!" "Don't think about it!" "& "try not to stress!"

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After months of this back and forth- I finally made an appointment with my doctor.

She sat there and listened to me and never once made me feel ridiculous about coming in. We set up a plan for the next few months.

Without going in to too much detail, I will be starting my first round of Clomid.

I'm nervous, scared, but hopeful. Having never taken this before, I have no idea how my body will react.

I've taken these seven months hard. It's an up and down roller coaster. One I never thought we would be on. 

I've cried at grocery stores, cried when I got in the car, cried passing a double stroller, cried looking at newborn pictures of my toddler. I've cried thinking about my child not having any siblings.  

I share all of this with you not to get sympathy, but in hopes that our story will help someone else share their story. For all of these months I have blamed myself. I've carried this heavy cross all over. Not wanting help from anyone because it's my fault we are in this situation.

I felt as if I was letting my husband down, and my son down. My body has failed them.

I know there are so many families out there carrying this cross and I even know a few personally. 

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We dream of a big family, but mainly to be open to life when God sees fit. 

Let His will be done. 

I was so hurt that even though we are open to life, God wasn't giving us that miracle. 

The children God blesses us with are never our children. We get the honor of raising them here on earth for the Glory of God. The same goes for our life, too. We can plan out what we would like to happen, but God is in charge, always. 

It's been hard to truly let go and know that I'm not in control. Although this is not the plan we had, God's plan is always better. I am constantly reminding myself that through all of this. 

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A few things to wrap this up. 

I know that seven months in the grand scheme of life isn't that long. I know that we are still young & G is still young. But like I said above, it can be difficult to let go of the plan you had and to accept God's plan for you

So, what's the point of me sharing all of this so publicly? 

1.) There are SO many families struggling with infertility and secondary infertility and they shouldn't be struggling alone. If they feel called to share their story, I encourage them to do so when it feels right. 

2.) We have been struggling with this for months now alone. At first, just Will and I. It has really weighed on us because we don't know what the future holds for us or where our family is headed. We need support, we need prayers. 

3.) Lastly, this week is Natural Family Planning awareness week. We do practice NFP in our marriage. It has been such a blessing to us in so many ways. I firmly believe the only way I knew something was wrong and that we needed to seek further help was because we are constantly studying my cycles. NFP keeps us in constant communication and ultimately puts God at the center of our marriage.

Thank for listening to our story

19.7.16

OVER THE WEEKEND








We had back-to-back weekends with both sets of parents/grandparents. Thankfully, when my in-laws were in town, we had beautiful weather. So, we were able to do a bit of exploring and showing them some of our favorite parks/places to eat etc. No humidity meant we were able to eat outside and enjoy each other a bit more without being too hot! It was a fun weekend altogether!


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